I feel like I’ve been cheating myself - and extensively, you too, readers - lately. The quality of my writing hasn’t been anything worth noting. I’m sure that many of the many readers who’ve popped by since I appeared over at Problogger last week have thought to themselves, “Okay, whatever,” shrugged, and then gone on their merry way. If this is the case, I can only smile winsomely at their digital trail and say, “Farewell. Maybe I’ll see you again next time.”
The only explanation I can offer - if, indeed, an explanation is called for. Isn’t it funny how we indulge in our paranoia, sometimes? - is that it’s been quite a draining week. Last Monday, I had a whole new lot of tests for the Menieres Bitch Disease, the affects of which I felt right up until Saturday.
[Just so you know? Inserting a microphone into the ear, right next to the eardrum and then blasting beats into it for ten minutes? Then repeat on the other side?
Not fun.]
Then, on Friday, I accompanied one of my oldest friends to her first IVF embryo transfer. I hadn’t anticipated to be as moved, shaken, astounded, humbled, and honoured to be at her side as the little cell - life, split four times - flashed up on the screen above us. I came out of the experience wanting to fall down at the feet of any woman who has ever experienced infertility, and bathe their feet in my guilty tears and say, “I’m so sorry for what has come so disgustingly easy for me, you may never know.” And I know the words “I’m so sorry” could never, ever, recompense - or possibly even help - the pain, but I still want to express them.
Since then, I’ve been having all these strange dreams. Due to that; due to the fact that my audiologist tells me he does not think I have Meniere’s, so we’re possibly back to the fact that no-one knows what’s wrong inside my head. So, I’m stressed, and that has never been a helpful conduit for my creative productivity.
Just letting you know. Hopefully, I’ll be back right to normal soon.
6:33 am
That’s fine; it was well written, and came from the heart.
7:35 am
Thinking of you sweetie… and also the friend you mentioned - is she who I think she is? Big hugs to you both.
7:44 am
Aye - M. (But I think we both know we’d better keep it to ourselves….just in case)
8:21 am
Karen, it’s all good. We all phase in and faze out.
And as someone who went through years of TTC/IF hell, I’m just so glad to ever hear someone say they understand, now.
Julie
Using My Words
8:32 am
I know how you feel, I just read back the posts from my last week and I was a bit disappointed with them
Crossing fingers that you get a diagnosis and your friend gets a positive pregnancy.
8:37 am
I think lots of people are suffering the November blogging blues. That aside I hope they find out what’s wrong with you as it must be soooo frustrating!
9:02 am
Yep definately, I can’t even imagine how scary it must be for her… scary probably isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean.
8:24 pm
Meniere’s sucks big fat hairies…..
Anything resembling it does too…..
Hope they find a quick simple solution for you babe. No wonder you are feeling a little off.
Hugs
Kelley
2:04 am
I hadn’t noticed anything at odds lately; it felt the same to me…as though I were down there in Australia, chatting over a cup of tea. Your writing is always warm and affecting.
And I’m sorry to hear about the testing. I had something similar done a few years ago…a tube inserted into my ear canal that was attached to what felt like an air compressor, as the audiologist shot high-pressure air into my canal, all while asking me banal questions. Less than fun.
My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your friend, both. Take care of yourselves, okay?
1:28 pm
Karen , I hope it all okay for you. I missed whatever you posted.
What a great friend you are to your dear friend.Thank you for your words on IVF - you don’t need to be sorry you can conceive easily.- it is understanding that IVF is another way to conceive a loved child and not a scientific procedure.
It is wanting it not to be a dirty secret,a shameful or taboo subject… so others may seek medical help when they have fertility issues like any other medical problem and need not feel like they have failed .
Stress is a crazy thing causes many odd symptoms … hope you get tot the bottom of it all quickly.
I iwsh your friend every success and sticky vibes.
5:57 am
[…] I do know what I want: I wanted my dear friend to be pregnant. Alas, this was not to happen: ‘Not this cycle’. The derivatively dry jargon of the […]